Last week I did a chocolate tasting at a local tech company for their Valentine's Day celebration. We had a great turnout, tasted some amazing chocolate (I mean, how can a chocolate tasting go wrong??), but looking at the pictures later, and all the people I've gotten to know there, reminded me of something I've been thinking about for some time now: friendship, the glue that holds most human relationships together.
Young children make the most uninhibited friendships. Imagine walking up to an adult in the park and saying, "What's your name?" And the other person responds without a second's thought to any privacy or safety issues. Then you say "Wanna play?" And the other person says, "OK!" And off you go to the sandbox, or running in the fields, or playing Lava monster.
Around kindergarten the subtle dynamics begin. It's not
manipulation per se, although it can look like it. Much of the behavior that begins to exhibit seems to be learned from parents, siblings, or others who play an important role in the children's lives. I've seen this dynamic with my own eyes, with enough consistency over the years to consider it anecdotal evidence.
By third grade, self-awareness and a developing intelligence color the experience of friendship not the innocent hues of the rainbow, but all the grit and grime that will only continue to pile up as we grow.
Oh yes we adults
complicate things. Or does life complicate them for us?
We don't have the same kinds of friendships at 40 that we did at 10. Or as parents vs when single. There are other, less obvious, much more subtle elements at play, too, ranging from culture and upbringing to faith, food, and which football/basketball/fill-in-the-sports team you're rooting for.
But there is one thing all types of friendships require, and are based on: reciprocity.
If you find yourself doing most of the work in a friendship, it's likely not very reciprocal, or balanced. It may not even be a real friendship to begin with. Consider the following scenario: you're always inviting your friend/s to your place, suggesting places to meet, etc. Or perhaps you're the one always initiating conversations, phone calls, or texts. You are the one always reaching out. Yet the other person, despite the fact that you get along perfectly well, rarely does the same. Even if they respond (which is basic courtesy), unless you contact them, they're not likely to contact you proactively. I'm not suggesting it has to be a perfect game of me-you-me-you. People have their own lives and just because a friend doesn't contact you with the cadence of a Swiss clock doesn't mean they don't care.
I'm talking about a consistent pattern or rhythm, tested over time. To me that's not a working friendship. It feels like you're not important enough to the person to reach out and say hey how are things, let's grab coffee 'coz I haven't seen you in a while! It could also be they're simply too busy with their life or have enough closer friends or any number of other things. Whatever the reason, the net effect is the same: the friendship isn't deep.
But here's the key: no one is obliged to be a friend of anyone else. Just because you click with someone now doesn't mean they'll be your true friend forever, if ever. In fact, the resentment you might be feeling about some of your friends, others might be feeling about you.
I lost my best friend from university about 8 years ago. She's still alive, but decided to cut off all contact not just from me but her entire family shortly after converting to her husband's religion. I won't go into details, but yes I grieved, along with her family whom I know well, and even spent a period of time being furious with her, but have since let her go.
In my own personal humble opinion, before we lose steam or shed tears over what we thought were, or wanted to be, great friendships, it's important to recognize whether those sentiments are our own desires rather than a reflection of the true state of a relationship. People and their lives change, and we rarely tell each other the raw, honest truth about how we feel about each other and why.
So rather than harboring resentment about that friend who doesn't contact you unless you do so first, it might be time to redefine that friendship for yourself and accept it on the level that it's functioning. Or have a heart-to-heart if it really is an important relationship.
Or simply let it go.
~ Birgitte
